Ahh, that title gotcha huh?!
This train of thought was spurred from watching Oprah yesterday (i'm on a sabbatical, leave me alone). Oprah was interviewing the author Terry McMillan (How Stella Got Her Groove Back) about her ex-husband who told her after 6 years of marriage that he was gay (interview and pics). Terry was very hurt and angry over the incident and kept repeating, 'how could he not know he was gay, that's like saying you're an alcoholic without ever having a drink'.
Huh? Say what? Is it just me, or does that not fit?
Alcoholism or any addictive behaviour requires one to first do that behaviour, to then become addicted to it. While our sexuality is an ingrained part of us. Without getting into the nature/nuture debate, I think it is a fairly well accepted fact that one does not choose to be gay or lesbian or heterosexual or other. Hell who'd want to choose a life with so much bigotry aimed at you and your loved ones?
So now, I think I have explained how her above example does not make sense. But as to her actual meaning in that message- 'how could he not know?'. He claimed that he grew up in a conservative country (Jamaica) and that homosexuality was not talked about, was not understood and that he didn't even think about the possibility that he was gay (when he was younger). Well, Opera and his ex-wife ripped into this guy for that confession. Opera started spouting things like, 'I know soooo many gay people and they all say they knew they were gay at 7, or they knew since they were born'. So? Good for those people. Wonderful that a child was so in touch with their sexuality at such a young age. Great that they were given the freedom of thought to be about to entertain all these different thought processes.
But come on, give this guy a break. I think it is totally plausible that he might not have realised he was gay until later in life. He married when he was 21 for goodness sake. I've been 21 and I know how much turmoil can go on in the mind at that time. And just to highlight that I don't consider this guy to be completely off the hook cause he did cheat on his wife and I don't give the time of day to cheaters. Anyone who ever cheats on me better hold on to their privates.
I wish I knew a gay person well enough to discuss this with them and get their point of view. Anyone out there have more to add on this? Gay or not, all are welcome here, including alcoholics....damn, think that's me....
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Well, I do know a number of gay people, and I got pretty chummy with a gay occupational therapy student in Murwillumbah while I was up there last year. He was pretty open about his sexuality, so I decided to indulge my curiosity and bombard him with a whole heap of controversial questions, such as: did he think sexual orientation was a choice? when did he know? what did his parents think etc.
The most interesting thing he told me was that even though he knew he was gay in high school, he repressed it so effectively that it took a girlfriend of his to encourage him to come out to himself at 25! Can you believe it?! I was extremely surprised that such an important facet of your life can be so easily ignored.
I think this Jamaican dude may have experienced the same thing. Both he and the OT student grew up in conservative families and conservative societies where 'deviant' behaviour was not tolerated. I feel very sorry for these individuals, who feel unable to explore their individuality, and this is why I believe it's our moral responsibility to allow everyone the freedom to express themselves without reprehension or judgment. Repression simply leads to identity problems later on in life.
As for the cheating thing, I'm in full agreement. If you feel like you need to stray, talk openly to your partner (or friend, or counsellor) about why you're feeling like this. However, I do wonder that if Jamaican Guy didn't feel pressured to conform to a heterosexual lifestyle, would he have still conducted an illicit affair?
...Phew. I wrote a lot. That's right, opinionated political idealist right here.
I saw that one too and thought it odd that it was just being shown now. They seem to air Oprah shows slapdash here...this one aired in america several yrs ago ( I googled it) You ought to google Terry McMillan and read some of the latest stuff that's happened since that show originally aired, like how he had a trunk full of gay porn just after they got married and he told Terry that it was for his "friend" back in Jamaica and she bought it. I'm not sure what to believe, but it sounds like he took her for a long expensive ride to the cleaners with a green card as collateral.
Thanks for visiting my blog again! It's great to see you around again. :)
I don't get to see Oprah here very much but think that this is an interesting topic to discuss. I am sure that there are a lot of people who know that they are gay from a very early age but those that don't may be in denial or trying to fit into the mold that we see as "normal". So it's perfectly feasible that he didn't know or didn't want to face up to the fact that he was gay.
Thanks for your comments Cam, Kitten and Kuri & Ping.
Cam, are you in touch with that OT? Could you ask him or another of your gay friends to come here and have a read?
Kitten, it sounds like you don't have much sympathy for the ex-husband? You really think he did it just for a green card?
"Anyone who cheats on me better hold on to his privates" or something like that you said. So funny! I couldnt agree more. hehehe
cilantro
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